Attachment Styles & Who to Pick as a Partner

Selecting your future soulmate is all about having a partner that supports safety, nurturing, and fun with you. Having a partner that is mature, an effective communicator, and demonstrates emotional intelligence matters to the outcome of your relationship long term. In reflecting on areas to consider when looking for a partner that will provide a secure attachment, Leslie Becker-Phelps (Phd) identifies the following categories:

Secure Attachment & Maturity

Partners who demonstrate this style are comfortable with themselves and can establish close emotional connections with their partners while at the same time, maintaining their personal interests. This group has the capacity to be reflective of themselves and their personal life in an open, insightful and emotionally connected way. They are open to constructive feedback from others and receive the feedback in a non-defensive manner. They are willing to admit to mistakes or errors in judgement and yet remain in a positive sense of themselves. What is most valuable about this group is that they have the capacity to forgive their partners in a nurturing and respectful way.

An Effective Communicator

Effective communicators are good listeners. They have the ability to share meaningfully with their partners. Being effective at listening and sharing supports the nurturing connection and maintains a close relationship. These skills are especially helpful and effective in working through disagreements, tension or relational conflicts. Partners who have this skill also have the ability to manage and regulate their emotions. This relational trait will support the ongoing intimate connection in the relationship.

Appreciative of YOU

Just to be clear, it’s not enough just to fall in love. Relationships are not static. They need ongoing investments in order to produce dividends. The investments that these partners give that support a long term relationship are found in being ‘respected’ and ’valued’. These partners demonstrate an ongoing interest in you. They are generous givers of appreciation, encouragement and support to you. All of these qualities produce the dividends of relational ‘happiness’ and safety.

A Good Fit

When you have a good fit with your partner, it is never difficult to spend time with them. You are able to establish shared activities such as travel together, sharing hobbies or interests, exercising together, or engaging in meaningful and deep conversations. Connecting is something that is looked forward to rather than the opposite. Sharing life with you is the relational goal of these partners. They are intentional in their investment to share life with you.

Ready and Committed for a Relationship

These partners are ready, willing and invested in making the relationship a priority. This means being ready to commit time and giving attention to the relationship on an ongoing basis, even when you are together or apart. The commitment also includes understanding that sex and emotional closeness are two separate components to a relationship and that both are required to support each other. The most important part to this group is that these couples clearly understand that they are responsible for each others’ happiness and not just themselves.

The more above categoric areas your partner demonstrates, the more secure your relationship will feel for you. These relationships have a greater degree of meaningful connection, fulfillment and by far, less anxiety. Remember to ask yourself the tough and honest questions. Does you partner demonstrate:

  1. Do they provide a secure attachment & are they mature? – Yes/No

  2. Are they an effective communicator? – Yes/No

  3. Do they appreciate YOU? – Yes/No

  4. Are they a good fit for you? – Yes/No

  5. Are they really ready and committed for a relationship ?- Yes/No

The more yes you get here, the more secure you will feel with this partner.

Be well Ian

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Ian Robertson Therapy & Counselling

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Niagara Falls, ON
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